“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue,a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke
There is a Spanish Proverb, “Where there is love, there is pain.” In every deep relationship there will be times of pain and conflict. Humans are incredibly social creatures and when we feel pain or lacking in our relationships it strikes at the very core of our being. Relationshipping is a skill that is learned, practiced, and refined. I work with clients to learn new skills, new ways of connecting with others in their lives. I believe that intimacy comes from knowing and being known by another. My work with clients includes all areas of intimacy including sexuality, sexual orientation, finding and maintaining meaningful relationships, and working through difficult or conflicted relationships. My focus is on helping each individual become the partner they truly desire to be.
Below are some resources that may be helpful
BOOKS
- The Mindful Couple: How acceptance and mindfulness can lead you to the love you want by Robyn Walser, Ph.D. and Darrah Westrup, Ph.D.—based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
- ACT With Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Russ Harris, M.D. – another great relationship book based on ACT
- Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Ph.D. – especially helpful for developing more sexual intimacy. Despite the title, it’s also good for people in non-married intimate relationships, including same-sex relationships.
- Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen Ph.D. and Neil Jacobson Ph.D.—based on Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy
- The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, Ph.D. – a master in the field
RESOURCES
Gender, sexuality and sexual health resources
- National Sexuality Resource Center
- The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction
- The Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality
- Planned Parenthood, (800) 230-PLAN
- Our Bodies, Our Selves, provides good, general information about women’s health and sexuality
- National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, advocacy and educational group for adults who engage in “alternative” sexual and relationship expression
LGBTQ resources
National LGBTQ organizations
- Human Rights Campaign
- Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG)
- Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation
- The Pride Foundation
- AFFIRM- Psychologists affirming their LGBT family
- Gay, Lesbian, and Straight education network
Local LGBTQ organizations
- Gay Oregon
- Q Center: Portland’s LGBTQ community center
- SMYRC: Sexual and Gender Minority Youth Resource Center
- TransActive
Abusive relationships and domestic violence resources
National domestic violence resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women, 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754), national organization focused on helping both male and female victims of intimate partner abuse whether they are in same-sex or opposite-sex relationships
- “Is your relationship safe?”— good overview from Planned Parenthood
Local domestic violence resources
- Gateway Center for Domestic Violence Services, 503-988-6400
- Portland Women’s Crisis Line, 503-235-5333, 1-888-235-5333
- Vancouver Women’s Crisis Line 360-696-0167
- La Linea de Ayuda para la Mujer (Spanish-speaking Women’s Crisis Line), 503-232-4448
- SAWERA: South Asian Women’s Empowerment and Resource Alliance, 503-778-7386
- Multnomah County Human Services, (503) 988-3646– has a specific department for LGBT domestic violence victims and for children who have witnessed domestic violence.
- Multnomah County DVert (Domestic Violence Enhanced Response Team), 503-988-6440
- Allies in Change, offers male and female specific abuse intervention and abuse recovery groups.
Local legal assistance (for domestic violence)
- Restraining Orders (Multnomah County): 503-248-3943
- Multnomah County Department of Community Justice Domestic Violence Unit: 503-988-5056
- Multnomah County District Attorney Domestic Violence Unit: 503- 988-3873, Has a an extensive online domestic violence resource manual
- Family Law Hotline for Domestic Violence Victims: 503-299-6101
Local temporary housing (for domestic violence)
- Bradley-Angle House, 503-281-2442
- Raphael House, 503-222-6222
- Domestic Violence Resource Center Shelter: 503-469-8620
- Yolanda House of YWCA: 503-977-7930 or 503-535-3266
- Clackamas Women’s Services Shelter, 503-654-2288
- SafeChoice/Vancouver YWCA: 360-695-0501
- Salvation Army West Women and Children’s Shelter: 503-224-7718
- Oregon Humane Society, 503-285-7722 – Has a program to provide temporary housing for companion animals of women and men who are leaving domestic violence situations.
Exercises, questionnaires, and audio recordings
- Identifying your relationship values worksheet. Help identify what are your values in your intimate relationship based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy principles
- Relationship conflict worksheet. Useful worksheet from UK-based therapist Carol Vivyan
- Is your relationship healthy or unhealthy? Quiz from the Domestic Violence Resource Center
- Sexuality and Values: What do you think? What does your partner think? Some questions to help you get to know what you and your partner think about sex. From the University of North Carolina at Greensboro
Treatments that work
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
- Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy
- Emotion Focused Therapy
- Empirically supported treatments for sexual dysfunction
